Determination and Kindness, or Why I'm Afraid of Undertale

Let's talk Undertale.

Undertale, if you haven't heard of it before, is a little indie video game by Toby Fox that is available on Steam. It's about a little kid--the protagonist--who falls into the Underground and has to find their way home. But, of course, they've fallen into the heart of the monster kingdom, and they have to either befriend or fight everyone in their path.

Now, I'm not a hardcore gamer. My idea of a good time is playing Lego Indiana Jones and dolphin-diving off ledges into the water below. I like punching stuff and storyline, but I'm terrible at figuring out complicated controls, so I don't play the really popular and realistic games. Plus, I don't have the money to buy every game/gaming system on the planet.

But I tell you this so that when I say Undertale is my Favorite Game Ever, you have a little bit of perspective on where I'm coming from. I like music. I like good stories. I like the feeling of wholeheartedly participating in something and making an impact. I like having choices.

And that's the pull of Undertale. It's funny, has a lot of heart, and focuses entirely on choice.

Undertale remembers. Undertale remembers every decision you make, even after you reset the game. You aren't allowed to reset and forget your past decisions. Everything you do has consequences, and you are forced to accept them.

Now, I'm sure that someone could mess with the code and make the game forget, but for the average gamer, it's sort of... chilling. Games don't usually hold you accountable. They don't expect you to atone for your mistakes. But Undertale does. Replay after replay, Undertale waits for you to make the right choices. And it doesn't give you a happy ending until you've earned it.

There are three main routes that the player can take, resulting in one of three basic endings: pacifist, neutral, and no mercy. Each of these routes are based on how many people you kill on your path back to the surface.

Because I made the decision to experience the game through watching YouTube videos of other people playing the game rather than playing it myself, I've lost the ability to play the game as the full experience it's meant to be. However, it also means that I know the consequences that come from certain actions, and I want my actions to yield the best results. I want the happy ending, so I'm playing pacifist.

So why am I so scared? What's so scary about saving everyone? What's so scary about not hurting anyone?

What frightens me isn't the game. What frightens me is my reaction to playing the game.

The further I get in the game, the more I find myself wanting to hurt and kill. And it isn't out of anger or spite--it's out of exhaustion and impatience. I'll encounter a random enemy, get tired of dodging their attacks, and think "You know, I could one-shot it. I could one-shot most of the monsters here. It would make everything go so much faster."

It's even more frightening when I consider that I know the consequences. I understand what will happen if I hurt them. I know that if I kill even one creature, I'll have betrayed my monster friends and I'll have betrayed myself. It's not what I want to do or who I want to be. But it would be so much easier, wouldn't it? I could reach the destination I'm heading for and get out. I could get my happy ending if I just hurt the people who were in my way.

It makes me wonder who I am outside of the game. Has reminding myself over and over again that Undertale is just a video game changed the way I react to it? Or is it more than that? Do I actually follow my "be kind" philosophy that I've told so many people I follow? Have I been lying to myself? If I have, how long have I been this way?

What's scary about Undertale isn't what happens to the character, but what happens to the player.

I haven't played the game in about a week or so. I've pushed it away because I didn't want to be reminded how nonchalantly I thought about harming someone simply out of convenience, even knowing the long-standing consequences that would have. I was afraid to think about myself outside of the game.

But I'm ready to go back now. I'm ready to go back and face the Underground, because I'm done having a pity party. As it turns out, I've forgotten the theme of Undertale: determination. It's brought up over and over again; determination, the will to keep going. Your character is filled with determination at every save point.

And, truthfully, isn't that what the game wants us to remember? Being kind isn't easy. It's so, so, so hard. There are days when being kind is the furthest thing from my mind, but those thoughts aren't what make you a good person or a bad person. What matters is if you try, because in this case, there is a "try" option. You just need the determination to keep moving forward and to make a change, even if that change is within yourself.

So while I'm afraid of the person I'm tempted to be, I guess there might be hope for her after all, so long as she stays determined.